oranges before carrots

You Sank My Hopes of Getting Any Tonight!

2011-04-20T00:36:00.001-07:00

When I'm married all disputes will be settled by matches of Battleship. Milton Bradley will be my marriage counselor.

2011-04-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

"His talent was as natural as the pattern that was made by the dust on a butterfly's wings. At one time he understood it no more than the butterfly did and he did not know when it was brushed or marred. Later he became conscious of his damaged wings and of their construction and he learned to think he could not fly any more because the love of flight was gone and he could only remember when it had been effortless."

Earnest Hemmingway on Scott Fitzgerald

Snuggies are for Wusses

2011-03-29T22:55:00.001-07:00

Now this is style and refinement.

Las Palmas by Johannes Nyholm

2011-03-27T12:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know anything about the rest of this short film but this is funny.

Famous Objects From Classic Movies

2011-03-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

Can you guess what classic movie it is from one iconic object? I got 74 out of 101. Can you beat that?

Famous Objects From Classic Movies

8.9

2011-03-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

Info and ways to donate to the Japanese earthquake tragedy;

CLICK

How Sensitive I Am

2011-03-18T09:12:00.000-07:00

Everyone asks; Where is Waldo?

I ask; How is Waldo?

The Fred Durst Society of Humanities and Arts

2011-03-06T11:40:00.000-08:00

The City of Austin, Texas decided to rename their Solid Waste Services Department. The residents of Austin got to suggest and vote on names. The "Fred Durst Society of Humanities and Arts" won by a landslide.

City of Austin Community Forum

Only in your dreams...

2011-03-06T11:34:00.001-08:00

I like this.

Carpe Disco

2010-11-22T00:41:00.000-08:00

I bet this guy farts good vibes and sneezes compliments. Book him for your next party. I don't enjoy life enough.

Happy Birthday Dizzy Gillespie!

2010-10-21T11:54:00.000-07:00

Jazz musicians have, hands down the coolest names. Sure rock deserves mention for effort; The Edge, Davey Havok, Joe Strummer, Sid Vicious, etc. But Jazz has it easy. From the regal; Nat King Cole, Duke Ellington, and Count Bassie, the elegantly understated; John Coltrane, Miles Davis, and Louis Armstrong, charming female vocalists; Ella Fitzgerald and Billie Holiday, the plain cool; Fats Waller, Dizzy Gillespie, and the best of all: Thelonious Monk

11:59 A.M.

2010-10-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

Can you imagine the chaos that a gorilla in a gorilla suit would cause!?!?

'Americanarama' by Hollerado

2010-10-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

Will this be the next "Here It Goes Again" treadmill video internet sensation? Pretty good song. Great video. It must have taken forever for the pixel people to get it down.

Words of a Slapstick Tramp

2010-09-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

Charlie Chaplin's impassioned speech at the end of 'The Great Dictator'. A searing satirization of Hitler and Nazi Germany, released in 1940.

Selvedging Dignity

2010-09-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

Mankind comes up with a lot of terrible ideas, like slavery, telemarketing, and Kim Jong Il. But every once in awhile we stumble on something that's so perfect it will continue through all subsequent generations of the world population. It will resist the vicissitudes of style, outlast empires and regimes, and probably stand as ensign of the pinnacle of human achievement after the last person has succumbed to global warming, asteroid strike, or zombies. One of these things is jeans.

Jeans are in a word; perfect.

But there are those who can't leave well enough alone. In the name of fashion, or self expression, or creativity they would seek to embellish or ornament and corrupt that which is otherwise sublime.

They embroider, and rhinestone, and contrast stitch and [shudder] add pocket flaps. In a grand mal seizure of post-modernism they add holes and wear to the jeans. The idea of machines using abrasives on jeans so the arrive in stores ragged is too much for me to contemplate. Instead I imagine cute young men and women in China or Venezuela wearing them while they play soccer or ride bikes until they are just right and then in a slightly emotional goodbye gently fold them in a box to be sent to Gaps and J. C. Pennys in the U.S.. Holes in my denim is more of a bank statement then a fashion statement.

We have a saying back on the east coast: If it aint broke don't embroider it.

Don't put any food or drink in your mouth before watching this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyYhdY-A_Hs

10:56 AM

2010-08-22T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'm Back

2010-08-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

My Indian Pole Gymnastics training regiment has left me with no time for blogging but a recent sub-sacrum coccyx injury has provided me with the opportunity to write again!

Wakka Wakka

2010-05-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

A vision quest is a rite of passage of many Native American cultures (says so in wikipedia). The subject, usually a child, travels into the wilderness and through isolation and deprivation becomes attuned to the spirit world. At this point a spirit guardian animal will present itself in a dream or vision and the child's life direction will be revealed. I think this sounds awesome. Get in touch with nature. Get a little direction. Put things in perspective. I'm just afraid the spirit guide animal woud turn out to be something like this...

Just The Facts...

2010-04-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

8:05 PM

2010-04-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

I've never liked seeing women wearing the Playboy Bunny logo. It's like seeing a cow in the pasture wearing a t-shirt with a drooling Ronald McDonald on it.

p.s.- I didn't take this kind of creepy looking picture.

Medi Pants

2010-04-23T21:39:00.000-07:00

In the modern age there is seemingly an infinite supply of areas in which we can dedicate our attention. Some of us even believe that we dedicate an even and fair amount of our attention to more than one thing, even though Oprah and psychologists everywhere seem to have proven that it's pretty much impossible to truly multitask.

Have you ever noticed though, how sometimes your mind while dead-set on focusing on one thing will completely shift your attention to something else? Maybe its a minor case of ADD but I find that it happens to me quite a bit. But with ADD being the most over-diagnosed of all psychological disorders these days, I feel safe saying that it probably happens to most of us.

Just recently I realized in one of these moments that I have been quite happily married now for nearly two years...

I realized that if this casual realization of happiness and bliss happens in a fleeting moment of inattentiveness... things must be going extremely well indeed. Nothing seems to be amiss. All my sails are cast... and my Medi Pants and I are sailing farther and farther into the open waters together.

Red Envelopes Of Absolution

2010-04-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

I am a Born-Again-Netflixer. I strayed from the path of righteousness. In a moment of weakness I gave into the temptation of Blockbuster (Whore of Babylon). For one payment of $10 I would become a Platinum Club Member. For a year I got a free rental every month, rent one get one free monday through wednesday, and best of all, a gray colored card that distinguished me from the common blue carders. I held myself above my fellow man. I gave into the superficial joy of instant gratification. It felt good but it never felt right. After awhile I couldn't live like that anymore (my membership expired). I turned back towards the light. With the support of my friends and family I signed back up for Netflix. There was no judgment. No awkwardness. Only a window that said "Would you like to join Netflix again?". Netflix put it's arms as long as a million DVD's around this prodigal son. For about $9 a month I get a DVD as fast as the postal system can ship them. And as a reward for the patience I have a queue of 49 movies I can watch instantly, at any time. It feels good to be home.

Life Imitating (Culinary?) Art

2010-04-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

In 30 Rock episode, "The Rural Juror", Tracy, strapped for cash, develops and endorses The Meat Machine:

Meat now is the new bead! KFC, the same people who brought you "everything we make mixed together in a bowl", never hesitant to flout the conventional diet norms bring us...

The Double Down sandwich features two boneless chicken filets with bacon, monterey jack, and sauce in between. No baked good accoutrements in sight. In the interest of blog journalism and with no regard to my own health and well-being, I ate one of these fast food novelties. It's the flavor of salty. Lesson of the day? Food that appears as a joke in a sitcom is not as funny in real life.

Astronauts and Incomplete Analogies

2010-03-27T11:23:00.000-07:00

James Lovell, astronaut extraordinaire and former commander of the Apollo 13 mission (Yeah, that's right, Tom Hanks), came by and lectured at BYU this past week. I was unable to attend because of work but a couple close friends went. By all accounts it was an engaging and edifying experience. BYU security was tight and no one could get close enough to Captain Lovell for a handshake, autograph, or fist pump. This included a seven year old who was dressed as an astronaut who wanted an autograph but was prevented by security. TURNING AWAY A SEVEN YEAR OLD DRESSED AS AN ASTRONAUT FROM MEETING HIS HERO IS LIKE TURNING AWAY A SEVEN YEAR OLD DRESSED AS AN ASTRONAUT FROM MEETING HIS HERO. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO COMPLETE THAT ANALOGY BECAUSE MY MIND CANNOT COME UP WITH ANYTHING MORE TERRIBLE THAN THAT RIGHT NOW. ARE YOU HAPPY BYU SECURITY!? I NEVER GET CAPS LOCK LEVEL MAD!

1:32 PM

2010-03-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

This is how I picture my grandparents when they were young.

Drunk History

2010-03-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

It's simple. You get a writer hammered out of their mind and then have them recount some American history. You then reenact the narrative with famous actors. I feel like I would have gotten more out of history class this way.

This is Drunk History:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLAoxCSb1tc

For All They Are Not

2010-03-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

"See what they made of this mess of frottage. It is as if a fractious child had been handed a few timber shavings and a bucket of mud to keep him quiet only for him to promptly erect a cathedral, complete with baptistry, steeple, weathercock and all. Within the precincts of this consecrated house they afford each other sanctuary, excuse each other their failings, their sweats and smells, their lies and subterfuges, above all their ineradicable self-obsession. This is what baffles us, how they wriggled out of our grasp and somehow became free to forgive each other for all they are not."

Hermes messenger of the gods commenting on what man has done with the gift of love from the novel "The Infinities" by John Bannville.

I'm having a bad hair day life.

2010-03-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

I can't deny it anymore. My hairline has receded. I feel like I've had this amazing relationship my whole life that I've taken for granted and now I'm upset because it's leaving. All my aspirations in life; graduate college, get married and have a family, avert the genocide of large blue cat people, always carried with it the assumed footnote of "with my hair". DON'T GO! I CAN CHANGE!

10:54 AM

2010-02-14T09:54:00.000-08:00

Donuts singlehandedly bring down the standard of breakfast foods. If donuts are acceptable for morning consumption than what isn't? I've used the donut argument to justify eating an assortment of cakes, cookies, and brownies and more recently dark chocolate smeared with almond butter for breakfast.

"Miss Alg from the library has third degree burns!"

2010-02-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

From Summer Heights High. An Australian comedy series on HBO. I think I found the only copy in Utah County.

Don't Let Your Mom Be Your Agent

2010-02-06T09:50:00.000-08:00

My acting career lasted exactly one commercial. I was about 7 or 8. It was for a place called Paper World. The sold costumes and party supplies. The commercial went like this; I was dressed like a pirate and with a girl who I think was dressed as a princess. We were standing motionless next to a score of costumed mannequins trying to blend in. A guy in a gorilla suit (or now that I think of it, possibly a gorilla dressed in a gorilla suit) approached us inquisitively. After examining us for a few moments he left the shot. A couple seconds later he jumps back into the shot in a startling manner. The princess and I quickly flee in fright. My Mom was my agent so all I got was a finger puppet. I can't prove anything of course but I'm pretty sure Johnny Depp saw this local commercial and drew on it heavily for his Jack Sparrow character.

"You Make Me Touch Your Hands For Stupid Reasons!"

2010-02-04T21:14:00.000-08:00

The passion of young love and the failure of the education system;

http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytmnd.com/

THANK YOU TROOPER SHANNON!

2010-01-31T13:03:00.000-08:00

While performing my duties as a flower delivery man a state trooper pulled me over. We all make mistakes. There is no way he could have known I was minutes away from being late delivering those dozen stargazer lilies. The proper thing to do would be to extol me to drive safely and send me on my way but he had the audacity to cite me.

Now I can understand giving a ticket to this guy. This is smug Masshole JT;

That's not the guy he met though. He met pious, slightly bewildered by life and how girls don't call him back Utahn JT;

How could you give him a ticket!?

11:36 PM

2010-01-29T22:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think nothing would be cooler than to be able to shoot fireballs like Mario. Then I get a little more realistic and I think I would get into a lot of trouble if I could. But what kind of trouble could shooting fireballs get you into that shooting more fireballs couldn't get you out of?

Nature Abhors A Vacuum. Now If We Could Only Get Human Nature To Abhor The Vacuous.

2010-01-28T21:14:00.000-08:00

Avatar came out December 10 of last year and immediately started breaking box office records like a schizophrenic in a vinyl store. Kesha's single 'Tik Tok' quickly scaled the charts internationally and like a cat in a tree, looks like it's not coming down anytime soon.

What do these pop culture products have in common besides making obscene amounts of money? They are superficially engaging and depressingly short on substance. Both equally demonstrate how some contemporary artists do little more than deftly mix cliche, tropes, and cultural memes into a marketable product. They are like a copies of copies of copies, ad infinitum until you get to a point of maximum derivativeness that collapses on itself like a black hole that sucks in money.

The only thing more stunning than Avatar's visuals is how formulaic it's plot is. Cameron gave us Pocahontas dancing with wolves in Ferngully. Oh yeah, there was big blue cat people.

"Don't stop/ Make it pop/ DJ, blow my speakers up/ Tonight, Imma fight 'til the we see the sunlight..."; goes the chorus to 'Tik Tok'. It's catchy and the theme of devil may care partying is fun but that's about the most positive thing I can say. I've heard this song a thousand times before by a thousand different artists and Kesha's verison doesn't make the top half.

I'm not saying we all need to listen to opera and watch art house films but I wish our standards as consumers was just a little higher. But what do I know? I watch reality on TV.

“If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody.”

2010-01-28T15:39:00.000-08:00

J. D. Salinger, 1919-2010

One For One

2010-01-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

I would like to congratulate CLAY COOPER on his recent purchase of Tom's Shoes. For every pair of Tom's you buy, Tom's will give a pair of shoes to a child in need. "One For One". Not 5% of your purchase goes to support this charity. You buy a pair and Tom gives a pair. Thanks to Clay, Jaunito or Jaunita can now play soccer and not worry about what they might step on. Sure it's clever marketing(/charity) but I would rather participate in marketing that give shoes to barefoot kids in Argentina than marketing that helps a Nike exec install a Cristal filled hot tub with a stripper pole in his summer cottage. Plus, it turns out charity is extremely comfortable.

Help

2010-01-25T22:06:00.000-08:00

Text "Haiti" to 90999 and donate $10 to the Haiti Earthquake Relief fund. It'll will show up on your next phone bill. I will personally give a back rub to anyone who donates. (This offer excludes coworkers and the cast of Jersey Shore)

Get It?

2010-01-25T21:55:00.000-08:00

"YOU'RE A ROBOT!!! PPPPFFDTFFF!!!"

2010-01-22T10:56:00.000-08:00

I'm Here is a new short from one of my favorite directors, Spike Jonze. It is premiering at The Sundance Film Festival right now.

11:46 AM

2010-01-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

My mom once confessed to us that she was somewhat uncomfortable sitting in a room with her back to a door. Indicative of a past life as gunslinger? Money owed to the mafia? A shady youth flush with gang violence?

Yearbook Pictures!

2010-01-19T23:36:00.000-08:00

The world wide web chronicles some of the best yearbook pictures ever taken. I'm glad these haven't been lost to humanity. This guy I would follow blindly into any apocalyptic future dreamed upped cooperatively by Steven King and Cormac McCarthy in a week long opium den binge. Here are some other good yearbook pics: www.thechive.com/yearbookpics .

Murder, She Wrote

2010-01-19T23:16:00.001-08:00

If you're not familiar with the television series Murder, She Wrote (1984-1996), let me explain; Angela Lansbury played Jessica Fletcher, retired english teacher turned successful mystery writer. Wherever she went someone would inevitably become a victim of murder most foul. Death would follow her like a poorly maintained carnival ride. Ms. Fletcher would then condense fact from the vapor of minute detail (The concierge walks the dogs at 8!) and without fail, solve the homicide and finger the unapologetic perpetrator. Everyone would be very impressed this mild-mannered senior citizen had become the instrument of swift justice. Whenever I watched this show two thoughts spring to mind;

1, If people were slaughtered wherever I roamed (264 episodes= 264 stiffs), I too would become an incredible homicide detective, and

2, You should never, ever invite Angela Lansbury to anything.

9:50 PM or The Sensitive Side of OBC

2010-01-05T20:49:00.000-08:00

I've grown to believe that a "soul mate" is not a predestined person but a position in a relationship you achieve.

12:21 AM

2009-08-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

If I ever have twins I'm going to tattoo half a treasure map on each of them and then separate them at a young age leaving only enough clues for them to find each other. The tattoo map will lead them on an odyssey of high jinks and self-discovery with danger around every corner. After an epic adventure they'll find the real treasure is their relationship as brothers and the value of having a father who can sell a true story to Disney.

hood rat stuff

2009-08-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

Oranges Before Carrots likes cool t-shirts

2009-07-27T20:20:00.000-07:00

For Emily

2009-07-24T22:03:00.000-07:00

Oranges Before Carrots brought to you by THE KUSH

2009-06-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

Quick Visual Guide to Modern Sexual Orientation

2009-05-23T20:36:00.001-07:00

My Charm and Wit

2009-05-17T17:28:00.000-07:00

You might think me egocentric saying this but I've blessed with charm and wit. If you don't mind a little self-indulgence I'd like to talk about this. For the sake of ease and convenience I will refer to my charm and wit with the portmanteau of "chit". Some people are somewhat chitty. I am full of chit. I am constantly chitting people. Chances are if we meet I will chit on you. What can I say? Some people have it and some people don't. I'm a pretty chitty guy.

Hyper Fresh: Russell Brand

2009-05-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

True Story (We wish we could make this up):

2009-05-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

When a high street bakery in Split, Croatia, was broken into on an almost weekly basis, the management turned to none other than Chuck Norris.

The owners procured a life-sized picture of the Delta Force star and posted it in the bakery’s window, along with a sign to warn anyone with nefarious intentions to beware, reading, “This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris.”

It worked, according to Mirna Kovac, a sales assistant at the store:

"To be honest we just started it as a joke but it really has worked. Thieves haven’t been anywhere near us for ages. People seem to respect him. Everyone around here has seen his films and he’s quite a popular character, perhaps even among criminals, so they’ve decided to leave us alone."

Apparently, some customers believed that the joking poster was real:

"We have had a few customers come in and ask us whether they can get Chuck’s autograph.
They really believe he is sitting in our storeroom out the back ready to pounce on any burglars."

The bakery has not had a burglary in the month since the poster was installed.

"You're welcome."

Bluetooth for the Toothless

2009-05-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

Charities are expensive. (small side note... cherries also are expensive) want to spend a month in El Salvador with HELP international working on various sustainable development projects? $2750 plus airfare. How about participating in a Tom's shoe drop and distributing free shoes to kids in need in Argentina? about $2000. I would need to take out a college loan to do either. I really do want to make a difference somehow, but it seems like the easiest thing would be to start up my very own non-profit organization! Upon evaluating the current areas where I feel much change and improvement is due, I have decided on an organization capable of helping EVERYONE! (drumroll) It's called Bluetooth for the Toothless. It's simple and promising. Ever been in a grocery store and been freaked out by a complete stranger asking you what kinds of diapers he should buy only to find out the alleged stranger was talking on a tiny and extremely unnecessary bluetooth headset device? or... Ever drive by an unfortunate homeless person talking to himself about how the real JFK assassin was Elvis Presley? Two seemingly unsolvable problems with an easy solution. Those bold individuals who have actually upgraded to newer ridiculous bluetooth headsets can donate their old ones to the less fortunate... thus solving two problems at once! No more uncomfortable moments amongst our bluetoothed peers in the post office or creepy moments with the stop-light windshield cleaners babbling to themselves about selling Hoover vacuums in Vietnam... well... they will still be babbling to themselves...but... you'll just assume their talking to their clients in Hanoi.

Hand 'em over Becks...